Dear 2019,

what a year you’ve been so far already. When I wrote down in January what I wanted this year to be like, I couldn’t have imagined the outcome. We have made it it to the end of September and let me tell you you’ve been one heck of a ride so far. I have never lived or been thrown into cold water as much as I have with you. With you I have seen some pretty cool places already and experienced some pretty awesome adventures, not to forget all the really cool people I met this year. Let’s recap a little bit, I had the chance to visit my two best friends in Perth, then I have had an epic adventure on Bali trying to surf(man that week was on another level), don’t even let me get started on the last few week in Kuala Lumpur before I left for Europe in summer, where I got to know my family in a completely new way and see places at home I had never been to and when things didn’t seem like they could get any crazier, my cousin and I left for a two week road trip to Italy where we chilled on the prettiest beaches and had such a blast. I loved it so much that I even came back for a third week, before I left for Valencia, Spain. And you’ve definitely been spoiling me here. I have never felt so happy and alive all at once in a place. The people you let me cross paths with were just the best and some of them, if I dare say so, will probably be friends for life. You’ve been good to me.

But you’ve also been tough on me. Time after time, you kept pushing my limits and throwing me over and over again into cold water, only for me to have to start fresh again. I’ve had to learn how to become more open and I had to learn to go after what I wanted, to stand up for myself and to be courageous, which was very hard at times. I got used to it though, I even dare say so myself got the liking for newness and suddenly sitting at home felt silly and boring to me. My comfort zone became too small and I wanted to run beyond the horizon.

You’ve been crazy let me tell you that! I can never repay you for all the amazing things I’ve seen and learned with you and with all those memories, I find it hard to let myself feel the way I do right now. But if I am being honest, dear, you’ve also been horrible at times. You gave me mountains and dragged me across oceans. You gave me many new friends and then you took them away from me again, just as quickly. That’s alright though because friends can be visited or called, but you also took something from me that I can never have back again. You took my home away from. Yeah I know what they say “Home is a feeling and not a place” but in fact she was a person and to you she might have been just another a soul but to me, to me she was home. Sounds weird right, referring to a person as home? Well that’s what she was. In all the chaos my short and adventurous life has been, she was the ground, she was my rock and she was the calm in the storm. Having taken her so suddenly without warning was cruel, you know that. Nothing has been the same since she left. Everything has fallen to shambles and for weeks and months now I’ve been avoiding the lump in the back of my throat, which has moved into my guts, just sitting there, watching as I make one bad decision after the other. I don’t like addressing how I feel, how I truly feel, but to be quite frank, it is eating me up alive and it has been for a long time now. I am falling back into habits I thought I had overcome and I am adopting new ones I would like to drop.

I am happy I think. On the surface at least. I am having trouble expressing how I feel. I feel happy, sad, confused, tired and lonely at the same time. I hate this you know. I’ve tried writing, saying even just thinking about the next part for months now and still I cannot. My mind won’t let me reach that part of me.

So let me try this again. I have had quite an unordinary life so far, always moving and travelling to all kinds of different places. I am not complaining, I love my life, but in all it is hard to really feel at home anywhere. I have had a home in all the different places of course, but what I truly considered to be my home was Nonna. The way she made her place bloom and alive with her funny and quirky way, her enthusiasm and direct comments, the way her house smelt in summer and the way she kept the family intact, even when half of them were living thousands of miles away. I admired her. She was my role model and her place was what I considered to be my home. When I returned to Europe this summer and she had already been sick at the hospital, things were already different. The house felt empty and although the sun was shining, it felt cold. When she left, I didn’t go home for two nights. I don’t remember where I stayed, all I remember is that I didn’t want to go home. I felt so uncomfortable that I even booked another week to Italy, to be far away from “home”. The funny thing is that, I didn’t consider her place to be my home anymore, it was just another house in another place with people that I knew and when I left for Spain a week later, where things have been exciting and happy I just didn’t acknowledge the stinging pain in my chest anymore and I even let myself forget. Although I don’t think I ever forgot, but I covered it up with drinking, eating and even smoking. I kept myself busy.

But it always shows, you can only hide something for so long before it sneaks its way into your skin and leaves a mark. I feel homeless in a way. Like someone pulled out my roots. It is hard to explain, but I feel like I don’t belong anywhere anymore. The stability place, the one thing that was always there, my anchor is gone. I am always welcomed with big arms wherever I go but I am always alert, never completely relaxed and tired from being restless. I have noticed that I am looking for compensation in drinks, cigarettes occasionally too but mostly in food. Sugar has become my sweet company on the daily now. Although I am always surrounded by people, I feel empty, sad and lonely. It feels like I am missing a part and I cannot seem to be able to replace it with anything. That is what’s driving me quite literally nuts, that I cannot get myself to move on from whatever trip I am on right now. I am just floating around in this big wide world not knowing what to do. All I know is that I don’t want to go “home” at the end of this year. I am dreading it already. I have already added another month of travelling and so my time at “home” will only be a week but even 7 days before my next adventure commences but even that seems like the end of the world. I don’t want to ever go back. Just thinking about it makes my chest hurt and I want to run the other way. I have yet find out what limit of mine you are testing of me this time.

Dear 2019, you’ve been crazy cool but cruel to me. I went through heaven and hell with you this year and this ride is not finished yet, so I am very curious what you have in stall for me next. Will there be another mountain for me to cross or can I take a moment to breath for the first time since we started this journey? I guess we’ll see.